The Perils of Housework
by Lady's Eternal Darkness
Summary: Arwen and Eowyn leave for two weeks to go to the Bahamas, and Aragorn and Faramir are left to care for their offspring. Rated PG-13 for language.
1. 1

A/N: Well, I'm back. Some little bugger went and squealed on me, my story was deleted, and I've been too busy coughlazycough to put it back up until now. So here it is.  
  
Housework is a very dangerous thing. Its name is used to frighten children and husbands everywhere. Even in Middle Earth. All men fear it, except Legolas, who is gay.  
  
And I, Faramir, am no exception. And, as I am married to a woman, I am not gay. I hate housework. Actually, that's not fair to say. I don't know if I hate it or not. I'm just deathly afraid of it.  
  
I had a bad accident with a vacuum cleaner when I was six. You don't even want to know what parts it nearly sucked off. One good thing, it made it longer. But it hurt.  
  
When I seven, I was putting away groceries with my brother. Boromir convinced me to eat a tampon. I had (and still have) no idea what is was (or is). He told me that it was candy. Mom came in as I had it in my mouth, the string hanging out. You can imagine how that went over. She told me I must never eat tampons. Eowyn says the exact same thing. I think they're candy. Parents and wives always try to hog the good stuff. Eowyn told me it had something to do with PMS (don't ask your wife this, they bitch), so maybe they're chocolate. I don't remember what they taste like; Mom had it out my mouth so fast she pulled three teeth.  
  
When I was eight, I was mopping the floor when the mop attacked me. I was in the hospital for two weeks. Only later did I find out that Furball, our cat, was sleeping when Boromir tied him to a pole and I mistook it for a mop. Furball will sleep through anything but a flood. And being dunked in a bucket of soapy water seems to fall under that category. I still have the scars. I told Eowyn I fought a mountain lion. It was partly true.  
  
When I was nine, I tried waxing the floor. I had hairless legs for two years. It wasn't my fault, I knocked the bucket over, and Legolas came in and saw me covered in wax. He went hysterical, crying he was so proud (he asked me out later. EW!) and told I was doing it wrong. He bought me a waxing kit. I would rather go thong shopping with Eowyn than do that again.  
  
I would tell you what happened in my tenth and so on years but I find the horror too great. So I'll skip right to the point.  
  
Eowyn is leaving. Two weeks. The Bahamas. And I'm not coming. I have to stay here and take care of the kids. At least I'm not alone. Arwen is going too, so at least Aragorn will be with me. Phew. That is a good thing, isn't it? Or maybe not. He can't do housework either.  
  
This should be interesting. And scary. 


	2. 2

Disclaimer: I don't own LotR. If I did, I would kill Frodo.

  Housework. The very word scares me.

  Sure, I'm supposed to be brave. I fought orcs and goblins and trolls and wizards and didn't even so much as bat an eye. I rule an entire nation. Gondor. For a while, I thought kingship was my deepest fear. I tried to run from it. But now, that I am king, I don't think it's too bad.

   For a while, I thought the scariest thing was Arwen. When she bitches, I run. When she gets PMS, I get a ticket outta there. When she yells, I scream and run. Women are scary things.

  When we were first married, Arwen gave me the talk. She told me I was the head of the house. I was thrilled. Then she told me that she was the neck, and she could turn the head any way she wanted.

  Because I'm king, I have servants. So I didn't have to worry about housework. Until yesterday. Arwen announced that she and Eowyn were taking a vacation to the Bahamas. And she was taking all the servants. All of them. And Faramir and I would have to care for our offspring.

  Which meant housework.

   Housework. Not a fun thing. Faramir may have had some bad experiences, but he has nothing on what happened to me.

  When I was three, Elrond told me make lunch for myself. I cut my fingers, bled all over my sandwich, and cried my eyes out because of onions. I spilt eggs, and the toaster shot toast at me so I cut it with my word. Never stick metal objects in a toaster.

  When I was ten, I tried to bake cookies. I thought granulated sugar was icing sugar. We didn't have any, so I left it out. To make a long story short, everyone complimented me on the buns I had made and we ate them with soup.

  When I was twelve, I tried to make cinnamon buns. There were little crawly things in the flour. Everyone thought they were chocolate chips, and hey, after they were cooked, who could tell the difference?

   I tried making chicken a couple of months later. No one told me that you had to kill them and pluck them _before_ you cooked them! When I served it to Elrond, and he stabbed it with his fork, it let out a tremendous squawk and tried to fly. Legolas shot off its head. Let me tell you, when people say "running around like a chicken with its head cut off", they don't know the half of it. It sprayed cooked blood all over the guests. When someone caught it, it had a muscle spasm and humped their leg. I wasn't allowed near a kitchen for the next two years.

  When I was fifteen, I left Rivendell and went into the wilderness. I learned how to make squirrel. The paws are the best bit. The heads squeak when you squish out the brains. The tail makes a great toothbrush. Arwen caught me eating one a week ago. I still can't sit down.

  Poor Faramir and I are alone. Our poor children.

   These next two weeks should be interesting. And scary.


	3. 3

Disclaimer: I DON'T OWN LOTR!!!! If I did, I'd kill Frodo.  
  
Housework. What is it about sweeping, cooking, cleaning, taking care of kids, dusting, mopping, vacuuming, and grocery-shopping that makes men sweat? Is it the sheer terror of doing something other than farting and pounding their chests? Or is it the horror of actually......having.........to do........work? Could it be? The horror! (Faints) Those poor men!  
  
Eowyn mutters random words into her pina colada.  
  
Arwen: What was that? Are you having an affair with my Aragorn? You little whore! I knew! I knew! (eyes dart wildly (laughs insanely) But he loves me. ME!  
  
Eowyn: (Gasp) How did you know?!!  
  
Arwen: You can hide nothing from me and my spy cameras!  
  
Eowyn: Oh yeah? Well you and Galadriel have been getting it on! She's your grandmother, for goodness sakes!"  
  
Arwen: You can hide nothing from me and my spy cameras!  
  
Eowyn: (Blink) What?  
  
Arwen: I mean........ (cough)........WHORE!!!  
  
Eowyn: SLUT!!!  
  
Arwen: BITCH!!!!  
  
Eowyn: You have hair the color of shit!  
  
Arwen: You have hair the color of diarrhea!  
  
Eowyn: Your ears are pointy!  
  
Arwen: I'm sorry, but did I just hear you dis my ears?!!!"  
  
Eowyn: (folds arms) Well they are! They're dangerous! What are you planning to do with them, impale Aragorn? Who else would he sleep with but me? Gimli?  
  
Rabid Fanboy (RFB): Oh, that's nothing. There was this one fic where.......  
  
Aragorn and Gimli: NOT LISTENING!!! NOT LISTENING!!!  
  
Arwen: Rabid Fanboy? Are you gay?  
  
RFB: (sobs) NOW EVERYBODY KNOWS!!!!  
  
Lady's Dark Eternity: (Shoves RFB back into plot hole) GET BACK TO THE STORY!!!  
  
Arwen: Where were we? Oh yeah......  
  
Eowyn: DIE BITCH!!!  
  
Both: MEOW!!!!  
  
The catfight that resulted destroyed three towns, but Arwen and Eowyn made up, and calmly returned to their hotel.  
  
Meanwhile, back at home  
  
Faramir: (Comes in with groceries.) (Grins evilly) Aragorn!  
  
Aragorn: What?  
  
Faramir: Guess what I bought?  
  
Aragorn: What?  
  
Faramir: Tampons!  
  
Aragorn: (Looks around fearfully) Don't say that word Faramir! That's begging to call the goddess of PMS (Lady's Eternal Darkness) down on you!  
  
Faramir: Don't worry. I bought her earplugs.  
  
Aragorn: Oh. Why did you buy......tamp.......er............them?  
  
Faramir: To eat, why else?  
  
Aragorn: Faramir! You don't EAT tampons!  
  
Faramir: They're organic.  
  
(A/N: My mother bought organic tampons! ORGANIC!!! Can you believe it? It's like sticking wood up your........you know......)  
  
Aragorn: Oh. In that case................But we still have to be careful.  
  
Two Hours Later. Faramir and Aragorn have eaten almost a whole box.   
  
Legolas: (Comes in). Hey you guys! What are you eating?  
  
Faramir: (Burp) Tampons.  
  
Aragorn: (Looks around fearfully) Don't say that word Faramir! That's begging to call the goddess of PMS (Lady's Eternal Darkness) down on you!  
  
Legolas: You ate tampons?  
  
Aragorn: (Looks around fearfully) Don't say that word! That's begging to call the goddess of PMS (Lady's Eternal Darkness) down on you!  
  
Faramir and Legolas: 0o  
  
LED: I heard that, Aragorn.  
  
Legolas: Fine, I won't say it. You ate woman's...............products?  
  
Faramir: Yup.  
  
Legolas: (Laughs) Do you know what tampons are?  
  
Faramir: Chocolate?  
  
Legolas: Did you read the instructions in the booklet?  
  
Faramir and Aragorn: No.........  
  
Legolas: Read it.  
  
Faramir: Please tell me that's a picture of her mouth.  
  
Legolas: Vagina.  
  
Faramir: I'm sorry. I thought you said it's her va........OH gODS!!!!! It's her what?!!!! EWWWW!!!!  
  
Aragorn: (Runs around screaming wildly) I'M GONNA GET TSS!!!! I'M TOO YOUNG TO DIE!!!!!NOOOOOOOO!!!  
  
Remember boys and girls: Tampons are friends. Not food. 


	4. 4

DISCLAIMER: Me no own LotR or Austin Powers.

Faramir: So, Aragorn, cooking or vacuuming? (puts hands on his hips)

Aragorn:" (smirks) Vacuuming (mutters to self): _The poor fool. He obviously doesn't know how dangerous cooking is...........hehehehehehehe (_thinks about chicken humping Elrond and chuckles evilly)

Faramir: I DO SO!!!!! I burned my finger once!

Aragorn: (sweatdrop) Oo

Faramir: I mean (cough), okay. You vacuum, I'll cook.

Aragorn: (pulls vacuum out of musty closet) Hmmmm. I wonder how you turn this thing on.......

Vacuum: (evil face appears) Drop your pants.

Aragorn: (drops vacuum) _Excuse me?!!!!!_

Vacuum: That's how you turn me on, babe.

Aragorn: Oo

NOT THAT WAY YOU PERVERT!!!!!

Vacuum: **_Darn_**..............he looked hot.........THROW ME A FRIKIN' BONE HERE!!!! I TRY TO CONQUER THE WORLD AND I GET STOPPED BY: (camera zooms inpinkie evil thingy) AUSTIN POWERS!!!

Aragorn: Oo

Lady's Eternal Darkness: Darn? You're an evil world-conquering vacuum, and you say _darn_?!!!!

Vacuum: Shut up. You wrote this!

LED: Oh yeah..............hehehehehehehehehe...............oops...........

Aragorn: HOLY SHIT!!!!

Vacuum: What?

Aragorn: (points shaking finger at vacuum) You're...........you're.............you're a...........a...........MALE!!!!!

Vacuum: So?

Aragorn: And................you told me to drop my pants, which implies that you...............you...........like me.................so........................MY VACUUM IS _GAY!!!!!!!!_ AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!

Vacuum: You are so immature. I am homosexual.

Aragorn: Arwen? Is that you?

Vacuum: o­O Arwen's gay? No way! Dude, that's SO COOL!!!!!

LED: (cough) Actually, no, she isn't. I just have a sick mind.

Vacuum: Oh. No, Aragorn, I'm not Arwen. But I'm telling her you said that unless you pay me: (camera zoom) One _MILLION_ dollars!!! (dances excitedly)

LED: Vacuums dance?

Number 2 (Gollum): (cough)

Vacuum: What?!!!

Gollum: Um...........one million dollarsssss issssn't a lot of money thessssse days..........MYPRECIOUS!GIVEITTOUS!KILLBAGGINSESSSS!!DIEFRODO!!! INC. alone makesssss $5000000000000000000000000 per year..........

Vacuum: WELL I'VE BEEN FROZEN FOR 30 FRIKIN' YEARS!!! WHAT DO YOU EXPECT? THROW ME A FRIKIN' RING OF POWER HERE!!!

Gollum: MY PRECIOUS!!!! GIVE IT TO US!!!!!! ARGHHHHHHHHH!!!! (bites at imaginary Frodoses)

All: Oo

LED:Rrrrrrrrrrrrrrriiiiiiiiiigggggggggggghhhhhhhhhttttttttttt...........(zaps Gollum with lightning) Back to the fic!!!

Vacuum: Where was I? Ah, yes............ (grows teeth) MUHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!

Aragorn: (slaps vacuum) PERVE!

Vacuum: (latches onto Aragorn's.................er..........well, let's put it this way: place where the Sun don't dare shine!)

Aragorn: YOU PERVERT!!!!! LET GO OF MY HAPPY PLACE!!!!!!! (slap)

Vacuum: Ow! You slapped me! FAG!

Aragorn: (sulks) It was a horizontal karate chop.

——————————————————MEANWHILE——————————————————————————————————————

Faramir: Okay, three eggs, two cups of flour, a teaspoon of baking soda, ah hell, just throw in everything and paint it and put pretty garnish on and no one will notice the difference.

————————————————————————AT DINNER————————————————————————————————

Faramir's Child (FC): Daddy, why does the bread look like a lump of indigestible owl puke painted golden brown and covered in varnish? Is it (pokes the bread) alive?

Bread: (attacks FC's finger.)

FC: AAHHHHHHH!!!! DADDY, IT'S EATING ME!!!!! HEEEEEEEEEELLLLLLLLLPPPPPP!!!!!

Faramir: (whacks bread, knocking it unconscious) Don't be silly shifty eyeses It's not that! It doesn't have a whole box of Tampax in it!!!!! Hahahahahahhahaha! How silly........(eyeses shift nervously)

FC: Oo leaves the room

Faramir: Where are you going young er..........(whispers: Oh no! It looks mannish, but it has long hair, what is it? Think, Faramir, Think!)...............er.......young IT!!!!!!!!!

FC: To hang myself.

Faramir: Why?

FC: So I won't have to eat your cooking. It'll be a faster death.

Faramir: Fine you little bastard!!! Go hang yourself! See if I care!!!

Aragorn: (sitting on an ice pack) Um, Faramir?

Faramir: What?!!!!

Aragorn: If your kid hangs............um.............itself, then what will Eowyn say?

A/N: Me no own Tampax.


	5. 5

Hi. I got a penalty for not following the standards of and that is why this update has been so long in coming. I would like to "thank" my reviewer. the counter: What the bloody hell is your problem?!!! Here's what you said:  
  
"Please note that 's content guidelines apply to the entire story. For example, if you have chat or keyboard dialogue in author notes but not the story, the entire story will be considered for removal. To sum it up, everything you upload is subject to the content guidelines and TOS. Looks like you're going to have to do something like actually WRITE."  
  
I have NEVER been more insulted. I read your profile, and you're certainly one to talk!! Looks like YOU are the one who has to do some writing, buddy. And what's up with your numbers? And I thought I was a nerd. For your information, I do actually write. Unlike you. So you should do some writing before you start criticizing. Squealer. "Please note"? If you're gonna flame at me, go ahead. I don't care if someone flames. I hate polite flames. I just bitch. But you had to go and squeal too. Adding injury to insult. Some other people have had their stories deleted for stupid reasons too, and we think you might be a little tattler. Watch yourself, pal, or you could be in trouble. And keep the hell away from my story. If you don't enjoy it, don't read it or review. You are the one person whose reviews are not welcome.  
  
CHAPTER 5  
  
Aragorn and his kids are sitting at the dinner table.  
  
There is a loud scream and the snap of a neck. A body hangs outside their window, swaying in the wind, held up by the rope that took its life. Malicious laughter is heard. BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!  
  
Aragorn: HOLY SHIT!!! FC HUNG ITSELF!!!!!  
  
AC (Aragorn's child): Uncle Faramir is dead as soon as Auntie Eowyn gets home, isn't he?  
  
Aragorn: Are you a boy or a girl?  
  
FC: (comes downstairs) Who's dead?  
  
Aragorn: We thought you were dead!!! Wait a sec.........(thinks (Readers: gasp LED: Yes, it may seem hard to believe, but he can actually think!!!!))  
  
AC: Hold on. If you're here, then who's hanging outside there?  
  
LED: (comes downstairs) (cough) That was a certain person who pissed me off when I was PMSing........(glare)  
  
Faramir: Poor guy. Didn't have a chance...........she just................(sobs tragically).....used her author powers and hung him!  
  
FC: Dude, you freak me out.........  
  
Aragorn: EUREKA! I GOT IT!!! If FC is here, then who's that hanging outside?  
  
All: oO  
  
LED: Idiot.  
  
Aragorn: Pig.  
  
LED: (thunder booms) DID YOU JUST CALL ME FAT?!!!!  
  
NEXT THING WE KNOW, THERE ARE 2 BODIES HANGING OUTSIDE.  
  
PHBPOA (Person hung By Pissed Off Authoress) What're you in for? 


End file.
